I’m from Afghanistan, where I studied to become a police officer and I naturally progressed in my career. After I received the rank of senior captain, I was sent to a war zone to fight. My friends were dying, every day they were dying and I could do nothing. I suffer for my friends. I keep asking myself why them and not me. When you grow up with someone in school you become like brothers. Losing them has struck me very hard and I think of them constantly. Their smiles and words and all our nonsense while we were growing up comes back to me. It’s sad when you lose someone who has been the one watching your back, which we had been doing for each other for years.
And now I can not help crying when talking about them. One day one of them caught me, saw who I am and where I live, and told them that there were enemies. I managed to get out before reinforcements arrived and I escaped. When I got to the first phone after a few hours of running, I called mine and told them what was happening. They said to not come back. That they had already come to search for me. Get out and save my head. So with nothing at all I started my journey, even without saying goodbye to my mother, father, and girlfriend. What kind of life is this? When someone can take it away from you whenever he wants? I made it to Belgrade and only survived thanks to my conditioning that I had as a police officer. I do not know how the others with whom I’ve been since the borders closed can make this journey. Every day I wonder how mothers with children pass these conditions through forest, mountains, walking for days. I helped one family the whole way, but there are so many people along the journey who need help.
I’ll never tell my girlfriend to come to me this way, because I know she will not survive it. She is in my heart, she was my motivation to fight to push forward. I’m going to Canada. That’s where I’m going to back to school and become their specialist. I know I can do it. And then I will finally bring her over. When I make money I’ll buy her a plane ticket. I miss her terribly, I constantly think of her. When we talk, we both are crying, but it’s too late, we can’t go back now. I tell her to come to me as soon as I am settled. We had various plans about marriage, children, our home. I believe that these plans are just on hold for now, that they will be back on and that everything will go back to normal when we meet again. I often think about who will protect her now, and if she’ll have problems because of me. It’s very hard for me that I cannot do anything.
The most important thing to cope with loneliness is knowing that all of these people with whom I am traveling are strangers. Some are experiencing the same tragedy that I am. Being aware that I am moving forward alone is demotivating, but on the other hand perhaps a relief to not to have to worry about someone else. I know that education is the most important thing now and it is something that I will work on immediately upon arrival in Canada. I will do everything to be a man, of whom my children will not be ashamed, whom no one will again shoot at, and who will be able to secure the family’s basic human needs, shelter, food, doctor, clothing.
Published by the Friedrich Naumann Foundation for Freedom with the support of Mikser House. The views expressed in this blog are those of the authors alone. They do not necessarily reflect the views of the Friedrich Naumann Foundation for Freedom.